My real thoughts

For almost a year, I did not touch my blog. I renewed my domain few weeks after WordPress sent me relentless reminders that my domain’s about to expire. I debated over the idea of just permanently deleting my account and move on. However, if there is something I’m decently good at that would be writing. I am fully aware that I poorly express my thoughts and emotions verbally to the point that I get misunderstood. So, knowing that this was my only escape, I decided to renew my site and start fresh. Moving forward, I am giving myself a deadline to publish at least one blog a day. It does not matter how long or relevant it is, I know I just need to get started and stay consistent. Because come on, I am paying for this.

While I was browsing through my old drafts, I came across this one that I never posted. This was written in February of this year. I read it and realized that I still feel and think the same way. So I want to share it to everyone:

“I am a firm believer that our worst enemy is our own selves. I know that I am in constant war with myself especially in these trying times. I used to always ask myself who I truly am, what do I want to achieve in life, who do I want to help, and most importantly how do I do it. Now that I have figured that out, I am in a situation where I hesitate to take action. I fear so much. I fear that I may fail, I fear that others may get hurt in the process, I fear that the people that I love and care the most will not understand, but my greatest fear of all is the regret of not trying at all. My intentions are pure and all I want is what’s best for my little family. It may be selfish but yes, they are all I think about, they occupy my thoughts 99% of the time, they are my why-power when willpower is missing when I need it the most. I just feel like right now, everything is in disarray. I am physically and mentally worn out. The house is not tended, my son got sick for two weeks, I do not cook meals anymore, sewing used to me happy and but I have not touched the sewing machine for three months. It is definitely not the kind of life I want. I am just grateful for the gift of a loving better half. I try to be strong just like the old Japanese proverb Kishikaisei which means wake from death and return to life. I want to flip the other side of the coin and turn this (self) adversity to my advantage, I mean, how worse can my current situation get? I want a change of perspective and be able to stand up for myself and do the things I need and want to do without remorse. And it starts now.”